Borderline Cheerful!

Notes from Alexis: Is there a word for borderline ‘cheerful’? So many complexities in life!

8-31-83

 

Dearest Lex,

 

Well this is not going to be a funny letter I can tell you that, but those are the breaks!
First off, Dad wasn’t able to leave Thursday to go hunting, as one of the guys couldn’t get off work so Dad has been faunching around here like a sulky bear.

Then Saturday night about one or so in the morning my face began to swell up so, I got up and took a green and yellow pill.  At seven when I got up you wouldn’t have known me. My whole face was swollen really badly!  I took another pill and one more later. The swelling went down VERY slowly so that today I am only a little swollen.

So that’s the bad news. The good news is that I positively know for sure what has caused it all. I went out and weeded Wednesday, the day you left, (can that have only been a week ago?) and then was so sore I couldn’t weed again until Friday. Nothing except sore. Then I went out Saturday and weeded in the grass that J. had brought out. I had sorted suspected the grass because all my troubles started after the first load. Now it may be the grass but after I put it all over the garden J. told Dad it had been sprayed with weed killer! Imagine For the first time I put poison on me and the garden! No wonder I’ve been popping out red with welts!

Now on to another subject–me of course but mind, not matter.  A woman called and wanted me to help her with P.’s baby shower and I said no, that I wouldn’t be coming to the shower, and for some perverse reason just refused to say more than no. Curious isn’t it? Well she gave me a really bad time and my resolve hardened. I could have gotten out by saying I was sick or busy or whatever, but I just wouldn’t say anything– gave no reason.

It’s really interesting that I wouldn’t, and wouldn’t be pushed into going or helping either.  I have been turning the whole thing over in my mind much as you might examine a stone from a river. Some of it is because I’m just not going to any more baby showers; I went to R.’s and thought then that I wouldn’t go to any more.  I haven’t, but also some of it is that I’m not going to be forced.

I think about how hard I have tried to ‘belong’ for all these years and now I’m not going to ‘belong’ and here I’m being forced. Maybe that is funny.

There are a great many things I don’t do because I’ve decided I don’t want to: Send Xmas cards, go swimming, camping, to baby showers, etc. but if I decided tomorrow that I loved those things I would do them, but I won’t do them otherwise.

I find the whole thing most interesting, I think because I have made some conscious decisions and taken a stand. So many people do things just because and it really galls them when I won’t, I wonder why I ever thought I could belong. My thinking is so reasonable and logical that I am bound to be out of sync with a world run on illogical and unreasonable premises. Notice how I managed to make the rest of the world the goat. A. calls that rationalizing but there are other words–madness for one.

Don’t you find it weird the things I take a stand on? I do! Now you can laugh! Then to top off this week, yesterday it was so cold I had to build a fire and keep it going all day. It’s raining today but not as cold. It makes me cross to have to build a fire in August. Of course this whole allergy business has made me cross.

Then I am out of sorts with EAB. The story by Claire Herrington is not working like I want. What I should do is leave that section and go back to some place I know about and maybe I will.  Also the other book is beginning to surface little by little, a piece at a time. No name yet but I can see the wall paper in one of the rooms. Don’t you love it !

Also–I cut my hair or rather Dad did. I just finally got sick of all those combs and fussing with it all the time. Let’s face it I am never going to love hair.

Well with all that I have read a lot and am not really as un-cheerful as it may seem, not exactly cheerful but not un-cheerful either. I wonder what the word can be for borderline cheerful? My, the world is just so complex. So be thankful you have not been here, having to put up with me in such a state.

Love Mom

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